Sometimes when I am so angry, I just want to break or destroy things. I am so furious right now that I want to throw this computer away.

DON’T TRIGGER A TIGER, akin ka lang ba talaga?

Linggo ng umaga. Ang sarap ng tulog ko from the previous night dahil sa sobrang pagod sa trabaho nung Saturday. Tanghali na nga ako nagising at si Avs pa ang nanggising sa akin. Ang aga niya tumawag! Pupunga- pungas pa at may muta pa ako habang kausap siya. Tumawag lang pala siya sa akin para sabihing ang design ko eh ginamit na ng iba. Nagising ako bigla. Nawala ang antok ko. Ayoko pa naman ng nakakatanggap ng tawag sa umaga lalo na yung tipong yung tumawag ang gumising sa pagkakahimbing ko. Hindi masarap sa pakiramdam eh. Pero panalo ang balita ni Avs. Nawala ang antok ko tapos umakyat ang lahat ng dugo ko sa ulo ko. Nakita niya daw sa Facebook na may isang taong binabenta ang copy na “DON’T TRIGGER A TIGER” pero iniba ang design.

By V&G

By Others

Ilang beses na ba ako nakatanggap ng ganitong balita? Kahit nung college, may nagsabi narin sa amin na may nakita daw sila na ganung copy pero di naman kami ang gumawa. Namroblema ako pero lumipas din kasi wala naman kaming proof. Ngayon, may proof at binebenta ng lanataran sa internet! Nag-online agad ako para tingnan. Totoo nga! Yun na yun eh! Iniba lang talaga design! Di ko alam kung galit ako o maasar ako nung nakita ko yun. Basic instinct ko, imessage yung nagbebenta. So sige, minessage ko. Straight English pare. Di ko nga alam kung nabarok na ba ako dun dahil yung emosyon ko nagdidikta sa dalari ko magtype eh.

Taga-commerce siya at feeling ko graduating student na siya ngayon. Nagbebenta talaga siya ng mga bagay-bagay at yun nga, kasama doon yung shirt na may copy ko. Nagreply siya at sabi niya di daw siya ang may idea ng shirt. Nagpaprint lang daw sa kanya ang UST TIGER SHARKS. Binigay lang nila sakanya ang design para iprint niya. Ahhh.. UST TIGER SHARKS. Swimming team ng UST. Yung ang ginawa nilang team shirt nitong UAAP season. Di ko alam kung mafaflatter ako o maasar parin eh. Lumipas ilang oras at nahimasmasan na ako at nakapagisip-isip na ng mabuti. May dalawang argument na pumasok sa isip ko:

a. Masyadong walang kwenta yung DON’T TRIGGER A TIGER na copy kasi naisip ng iba eh. Hindi talaga siya unique. Common lang kaya naisip ng Tiger sharks yun. At isa pa, hindi lang naman ako ang may utak sa mundo para maisip yun. May utak din naman sila. Nagkataon lang na pareho kami ng naisip.

b. Kinopya talaga nila yun sa akin. Hello naman noh! Nirelease naming yung shirt na yun sa internet at sinuot pa ni Dylan Ababou! Di ba sila nagrereasearch bago sila gumawa ng shirt!?

Hindi ko pa sure kung alin sa dalawa ang talagang nangyari. Either way, nalungkot parin ako. V&G ang biggest risk na ginawa ko sa buhay ko. Hindi ko sure kung kikita kami or what nung tinayo naming yun nung 2008. Ang alam lang naming gusto naming gawin yun at who the hell cares kung ano mangyayari. It turned out na bumagsak siya. Kulang sa research, kulang sa promotions, kulang sa lahat. Unang bunga ng V&G ay DON’T TRIGGER A TIGER. Naisip ko siya habang naliligo ako isang umaga bago ako pumasok. Nung magkita kami ni Avs sa school, sinabi ko agad sa kanya. Sabi niya maganda daw so pinursue ko. Ginawan namin ng design. Yung una, palpak. Yung pangalawa, ayos lang. Ngayong pangatlo, sisiguraduhin kong higit pa sa ayos. Kung ano pa man yung totoong nangyari, tinuturing kong anak lahat ng copy na nagawa ko. Released man o hindi. Never ako nangopya. Never akong nagnakaw. Lahat yun galing sa pagpiga ni Avs sa utak ko at pagpipilit niyang umisip ako ng copy. Lahat ng ginawa ko tinuturing kong akin. Ok lang sana kung naisip ko lang yung DON’T TRIGGER A TIGER eh at hindi naging t-shirt. Pero naging t-shirt siya. Tinry naming ibenta. Namigay kami ng onti sa mga kaibigan. Ibig sabihin, akin talaga siya kahit wala akong copyright chuva chuva. Alam kong akin siya. Kung close ka talaga sa akin, alam mo ang tungkol doon.

Inopen ko sa ibang tao yung nangyari pero parang wala naman sila pakilam. Yung isa ko ngang pinagsabihan, ang sabi niya “Eh ano naman? Eh di idemanda mo siya. Ganyan naman talaga ang buhay. At kayo naman kasi may kasalanan niyan.” Napaka-encouraging niya. Na-enlighten ako bigla nung sinabi niya yun. Suuuuper! Yung iba naman, deadma lang. It is either di nila alam irereact kasi heightened emotions ko or wala sila pakialam. So ako naman, di ko na lang inoopen. Dito nalang sa blog para walang direct na comment. Wala naman nagbabasa sa blog na ito. Labasan lang naman talaga ito ng sama ng loob. Ang hirap lang kasi na gusto mo may makausap pero wala ka mahanap. Meron nga, parang tuod naman. Wala reaction. Sa bato nalang kaya ako makipagusap? Atleast ang bato walang mukha. Di talaga lahat maiintindihan ang sentiment ko. Ok fine. Sige, di naman kasi kasikatan ang V&G. Yung ibang tao walang idea na nageexist siya. Ok sige. Oo nalang para wala nalang usapan. Sabi ko nga tatahimik nalang ako eh. Sino ba naman kasi may sabing magdrama ako!?

Hindi ako naging confident noon sa lahat ng ginawa ko. Nahihiya ako sa iisipin ng ibang tao at baka mapangitan sila. Hindi ko na yun gagawin ngayon. I learned my lesson at simula next year pag nag-launch na ulit ang V&G, magiging proud na ako kasi gawa ko yun. Di ko na iisipin sasabihin ng mga tao. Ganun naman kasi talaga. Di ko kaya iplease lahat ng tao. Yung nangayari, kahit na discouraging, gagawin ko nalang challenge para pagbutihin pa. Iniisip ko nalang ngayon, if ever na ang argument B talaga ang nangyari, mafaflatter ako. Astigin pala yung copy ko. Ginamit ng varsity team eh para sa shirt nila. Haha! At kung argument B naman, wala ako pakialam. Irerelease parin ang bagong DON’T TRIGGER A TIGER next year. Sabi nga ng motto namin para sa V&G “Focus and think positive”.

Big women aren't intimidating

Last week, just before our lunch break, my co-teachers opened a topic about me. They both said that I am intimidating. It started last week when the three of us ate dinner together while waiting for the rush hour at MRT to subside. We were talking while we ate. We were talking about my apparent insecurities and rival issues with my sister. I opened up to Leo because he was a Psychology graduate so I know he could make a constructive analysis about my behavior. It was also the first time the three of us really had a conversation since Leo and I just met before he resigned several months ago. Now he’s back so we are starting to know more about each other. We were talking when a guy sat beside our table. Maybe he was waiting for his companion who was ordering their food. I kept on talking and they were listening. A few moments later, the guy transferred to another table that was a little far from us. Leo said he transferred because I was too loud and he was disturbed. Being me, I didn’t care if he was disturbed or not. This is a free country and we were at a public place so nobody cares what somebody was doing. Then that was the time Leo said I am intimidating.

I never cared about it before but when he told me that (though he is gay), I suddenly become a little anxious. I know I am not an alpha female. I don’t like being the damsel in distress. I only believe in fairytales because of Robin Hood (Is that even a fairy tale?). I am not comfortable with heels and I buy my sneakers at the men’s department. I am absolutely straight but I like men stuff. I think they are pretty cool. Most of the time, people mistake me as lesbian and I can’t blame them.

I like boys (oh! I really like them!) and I am sure of that. Someday I want to meet someone who doesn’t care if I like guy things or if I act like one; someone who shares the idea of watching a basketball game and having dinner after as a romantic first date; someone who doesn’t mind if I eat spaghetti and rice for lunch and If I don’t care how the freaking twister should be eaten; someone who can stand my roaring laughter; someone who doesn’t care if my voice is too big for a girl and if I only comb my hair once every day; someone who will drive my hammer with me in the future; and someone who will break the intimidating barrier and have the guts to tell me “hey, can we play hoops at Timezone one time?”. It’s pretty simple, right? Nothing intimidating in that.

Wacko

It's never easy to hide what you really feel. One of my friend said it won't help you and it will slowly kill you if you won't let it out. But what it if you don't have someone to talk to, you don't have any outlet, and you are afraid of what people will say, what is your option?

I am depressed lately and a lot of people thought I am ok. I am good at hiding and showing people I am fine when I am really not. I may appear happy and jolly but I am bleeding. I do not know what to call this feeling but it hurts a lot. I want to cry at night but I don't want to. I thought it's stupid. I don't want to tell my friends because it will be concluded as unimportant. Drinking didn't help. I drank last month but it was still there like amoeba in my stomach. It won't fade away. It won't unless I tell myself to just forget it. It wasn't that big a problem. It was a petty little feeling I had for someone back in college. He is now a father. It should be a happy news, right? But when I knew about it, it smacked the hell out of me. I suddenly craved for a smoke which I quit long ago. I began resenting the presence of kids and I didn't like seeing babies on billboards or on TV. I watched porn and I imagined it was them who was fucking in front of me. I felt sick about myself after that. I felt I was being a pervert to watch porn and worst, I imagined it was them. I felt bad. I wanna feel better and go on with my life not thinking about him or them. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me and why am I hurting just because he already has a baby. I always ask myself at night why and then I came up with an answer. I'm hurt because it wasn't our baby. It wasn't me that he has a baby with. Sick right? It was really an awful reason.

I haven't cried and am not planning to cry about it. All I am feeling are wrong and I am trying to be rational. I know it is the right thing to do and it is the right thing for me.

Clumsy Queen

Roughly about two weeks ago, I fell on the stairs in front of a bank and a convenient store. The following week, I bumped the door and hurt my elbow, bumped the table with my knee while I was about to sit, and spilled the water in my mug while I was walking back to the classroom. I don’t know why I keep on doing this things but they always happen every time.

There is only one word to describe it and that word is the best description my mom can give me. CLUMSY.

I cannot remember when I started acting clumsily but there was one occasion in my life where I really became the walking disaster. It was when me and my family were eating at Chowking. I was ten or eleven at that time and we were seated at a corner table. My siblings and I were still young then. And when one is young, he/she is excited when they eat at a fast food chain at the mall. So I was excited that time. Our food was just served by the waiter. I rushed for my softdrink and boom! There was it. I did it. My elbow tipped one glass and all of a sudden all the glasses went down. It was a domino effect. Fortunately, I was the only one on the table who got wet. Some of the food got wet. My mom was ranging with anger because she had to order again for everybody. It ended with me drinking water and all of them got their brand new glasses of Coke.

I thought when I grow older and mature, I will become more finesse (as what my mom said I should be). I went through high school and it was still the same. I still bump things or drop stuff. I went to college hoping I would act more like a girl because I would enter a bigger school. I began acting like a lady, bought heeled shoes (not that high because I am tall), cut my high school hair, removed my glasses, and learned how to wear make-up. I felt more beautiful then. I lost a little weight. Though I am still fat, I felt more confident with myself. One time, while I was walking at the walk way wearing my heeled shoes, I tripped. And so help me God, there were a lot of people there because it was enrollment. It was so embarrassing because I carried myself with so much swagger while I strut in my runway but with just one snap, I tripped. My ankle hurt a lot and the sole of my heel went off. Imagine, I still have to walk a few meters to get to the seminary gym where the enrollment was held and fall in line for hours wearing my busted shoes. That’s how clumsy I am.

Another terrible clumsy story was when I was cleaning the house one weekend. I was applying floor wax to the floors so I have to lift some of the furniture. When I lifted the center table, the nail of big toes came with it. The nail was half there and half not there. I do not know how to totally get them off because it hurt really bad. I went to the doctor the following day to make it removed. I have to wear slippers when going to school for two months until the new nail shows up.

Now that I am 21, I still haven’t lost that touch, the touch that can result to damage. My mom always tells me to stay away from glass figurines because I might break them. I am even afraid to walk in the glass area of a department store because I know what I am capable of. It wasn’t pleasant being ham-fisted but I think that defines who I am. If somebody will ask my bestfriends or my family if they know someone clumsy, they will definitely say me. I wish I could be more graceful or act with poise but I can't. Maybe when I enroll at John Robert Powers or if I become diaries but those won't happen to me. All I can do is just make most of this disorder. My "sablays" are always a fun topic over dinner or coffee with friends :)