Wacko

It's never easy to hide what you really feel. One of my friend said it won't help you and it will slowly kill you if you won't let it out. But what it if you don't have someone to talk to, you don't have any outlet, and you are afraid of what people will say, what is your option?

I am depressed lately and a lot of people thought I am ok. I am good at hiding and showing people I am fine when I am really not. I may appear happy and jolly but I am bleeding. I do not know what to call this feeling but it hurts a lot. I want to cry at night but I don't want to. I thought it's stupid. I don't want to tell my friends because it will be concluded as unimportant. Drinking didn't help. I drank last month but it was still there like amoeba in my stomach. It won't fade away. It won't unless I tell myself to just forget it. It wasn't that big a problem. It was a petty little feeling I had for someone back in college. He is now a father. It should be a happy news, right? But when I knew about it, it smacked the hell out of me. I suddenly craved for a smoke which I quit long ago. I began resenting the presence of kids and I didn't like seeing babies on billboards or on TV. I watched porn and I imagined it was them who was fucking in front of me. I felt sick about myself after that. I felt I was being a pervert to watch porn and worst, I imagined it was them. I felt bad. I wanna feel better and go on with my life not thinking about him or them. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me and why am I hurting just because he already has a baby. I always ask myself at night why and then I came up with an answer. I'm hurt because it wasn't our baby. It wasn't me that he has a baby with. Sick right? It was really an awful reason.

I haven't cried and am not planning to cry about it. All I am feeling are wrong and I am trying to be rational. I know it is the right thing to do and it is the right thing for me.